Dad had one of his best friends visit today:  David Fisher.  Mom said that the day brought  laughter, and Dad was glad David was there.  I wish I had been there to hear them.  David always keeps Dad on his toes, and today was no exception.  Both of them absolutely love to eat, and it's not necessarily the quality of the food that will bring them back to a restaurant; sometimes it's the quantity!  They can both consume copious amounts of food.  David read Dad the Messenger-Inquirer today, and they went over the Rural King ad.  David managed to find a "hog pan" or a "hog trough".  They decided they needed to buy one of those, take it to one of their favorite restaurants, and see which one of them could fill it up with the most food!  I guess you had to be there, but........I am so glad that Dad enjoyed his day.

I think Dad is feeling better.  He tends to remain quiet most of the time, but he has his moments of humor.  His nurse, Ruth/Louise has described it most aptly as DRY humor.  She has been his nurse for three days, and he still calls her by the wrong name.  I don't know why he calls her Ruth, but Louise still manages to keep a smile on her face, regardless of the circumstances she finds in room 11016!  I think Dad looks better.  I don't know if the chemo is already working or the steroid has kicked into overdrive, but his color is better, and we are getting some smiles.  Ruth/Louise told him tonight that he had a sweet smile!  His hair is already starting to grow back - soon he will look like he's had a buzz cut!  He is eating everything on his plate - though he says that's not saying much!  I think there have been definite improvements in his demeanor over the past few days.  I give 100% of the credit to God.

Psalm 118:28-29 says, YOU ARE MY GOD, AND I WILL GIVE YOU THANKS; YOU ARE MY GOD, AND I WILL EXALT YOU.  GIVE THANKS TO THE LORD, FOR HE IS GOOD; HIS LOVE ENDURES FOREVER.

Our circumstances change, but God's love NEVER DOES!  We may find ourselves in the direst of circumstances, but He promises us that He will give us the strength to endure whatever we face.  I am holding Him to that promise, every single day.  I can make it through a lot of the day without crying, though every day brings its moments when you are overwhelmed with sadness.  My sister credits  this newfound strength on the Xanax prescription I have had filled!  I have made it through 48 years, and have never taken any anxi-anxiety medicine until now.  I do not give any of the credit to the Xanax; I have only taken a few of them.  All the credit goes to the answered prayers from each of you.  God is hearing every one of them, and He is ever gracious.  We have a long way to go, and I know the hardest part is still to come, but we are making it through, one day at a time.  Thank you for your love and support.  You don't realize how much prayer and friendship mean until you have your back against the wall.  All the hugs, prayers, meals, cards, emails and visits have meant more than you will ever know.  We have been humbled by all the love our friends and family have shown.  I don't know why we wait until something really awful happens before we take the time to show how much we mean to each other.  We really should show that love every day.  Life is short.  Make it count.  Make a difference in someone's life, and you'll change YOUR world too!

I am heading to Vanderbilt early in the morning, and I will be there all day.  I'll give you the "Freeman updates" tomorrow night!

Love,
Renee

Well, Dad will probably be in the hospital until Saturday.  They are still giving him medicine to decrease the levels of the Methotrexate in his body.  Methotrexate is the primary drug used in his chemotherapy.  The levels of this drug can't stay high in the body for very long, so  Leucovorin is used to basically take the levels back down and decrease the damage done to the healthy cells.

Dad has already wreaked havoc in his room today.  The nurse told him when he went into his bathroom this morning, he should not pull the cord next to the toilet because there were shift changes going on and all the nurses would come running.  Dad misunderstood this concept; he thought that pulling the cord would bring him some relief.  It actually brought all the nurses running into his bathroom while he was still in there - but no relief!  Mom was laughing this morning about all the excitement.  It should be another interesting day!

It's time for me to go to work.  I hope your day is a great one.
Love,
Renee

It's 9:30, and I am officially home from Vanderbilt.  He is still getting chemo tonight.  Mom said he was receiving chemo last night until 2AM.  He still had one more bag to go tonight, and it will last for 6 hours.  He has yet to experience any side effects, though I have a feeling  that won't last.  He is receiving four different chemo drugs, one monoclonal antibody and a steroid.  The nurse told Mom tonight that she doubts if Dad will be discharged from the hospital before Saturday.  If that is the case, there may be a mutiny before the weekend!  Tonight, Dad told Mom that he had better get out his CD player, allow her to burst out in song and calm down, or else she'd have him in the psycho ward!  The nurse Louise (whom he called  by a completely different name) took that opportune moment to exit quickly and gracefully.   He redeemed himself by giving us a little smile.   We all get really excited when Dad smiles.

Mom DID LEAVE HIS ROOM, but only for an hour.  She was afraid she would get lost.  I told her she would have had plenty of time to find her way back, but she is a stubborn woman.  You all know that my father is a very stubborn man.  It is therefore no surprise that all of his children are.........well, a little stubborn too!!!!!!  I'm sure there are three husbands and one wife shaking their heads in total agreement.

Dad is still receiving a pain medicine, and that made him a much more agreeable companion today.  Mom says she doesn't think she could take another day like yesterday.  Apparently Dad's demeanor reached the nurses station, because this morning one of the nurses told Mom she had heard she hadn't had a good day yesterday, and then gave Mom a big hug!  I hope the nurse has plenty more where that came from!

While I was staying with Dad (and Mom wasn't in the room), Dad looked at me and said "I have Central Nervous System Lymphoma".  I told him that he was right, and he asked me if it was in his lymph nodes.  We discussed this for several minutes.  That may not seem like an insightful statement to you, but it is the very first time Dad has EVER acknowledged that he has cancer.  I don't want to get my hopes up that he may already be regaining brain function, but that was a pretty profound moment.  I know the Lord is working in my Dad's brain, and I can't wait to see the results.  Dad also mentioned worrying about something, and I asked him if he remembered Philippians 4:6-7, and with a little prompting on the first few words, the scriptures literally flew out of his mouth.

DO NOT BE ANXIOUS ABOUT ANYTHING, BUT IN EVERYTHING, THROUGH PRAYER AND PETITION, WITH THANKSGIVING, PRESENT YOUR REQUEST TO THE LORD, AND THE PEACE OF GOD WHICH TRANSCENDS ALL UNDERSTANDING, WILL DESCEND ON YOUR HEART AND MIND.

Thank you Lord for blessing us much more richly than we deserve.  I ask that you heal my father and help us to stand firm in our faith during his illness.  We also ask you Lord to fill us with the peace that is only available from You.  I am so very thankful to be able to put my Daddy in Your hands, Lord.  You truly are The Great Physician.
Amen

God bless your family.
Love,
Renee

Dad is much more subdued this morning.  They have added oxycodone to his IV for his pain, and he is very mellow.  He really isn't talking much at all.  I brought them a giant "snack bonanza" that two of my friends made up - about fifty pounds of snacks, water, books, cards and wonderful scriptures to keep our spirits up.  Dad has been munching on the trail mix (I am forced to eat all the M&Ms - strictly because his blood sugar is up)!!!!!  They were absolutely overwhelmed by their generosity (thanks again, Cheryl and Durinda).  I firmly believe that almost everything is improved by chocolate, and there are lots of candy bars in this bag!!!!  The nurse said that Dad could have one candy bar per day, and he has pronounced that Snickers are his favorite!

Dad will have another full evening of chemo.  He has been napping this morning.  I think I have convinced Mom that she CAN actually leave this room, if only for a short time!  She is a little concerned about getting lost, but I told her that she has time to wander around.  It's a beautiful day, and I hope she can at least enjoy a little of it.  The hospital environment is a little overwhelming, to say the least.  After a few days, it is almost as if the rest of the world ceases to exist.  What day of the week is it, what day of the month is it - they keep asking Dad those questions, but after a few days here, I don't know the answers to those questions either.

He seems to be feeling better today.   He's not napping anymore, and I am on an official "toothpick hunt".  He swears that if I will just open the cabinet next to the stove, I will find one.  I told him there was no stove in this room, so now I am looking for the pantry!!!!!  Should be an interesting afternoon!

Love,
Renee

Today has been a very long day for both parents. Chemo started at 2:15 this afternoon and will apparently continue until around midnight. We had originally been told it would last around four hours, but that is definitely not the case. Dad is sitting in a chair, hooked up to quite a few monitors. Mom says there have been nurses in and out for most of the day, watching all of Dad's vital signs and his urine pH (which Dad says checks for "sweetness")!  He cannot control his bladder because his tumor is pressing in an area of the brain that regulates that function. They finally catheterized him - and the pain from this has been really difficult for him to deal with. He ripped his catheter out right after his biopsy and apparently all has not healed. He is insisting to Mom that he must go to the bathroom. She tries to explain that he now has a catheter and things will take care of themselves, but they have been arguing about this nonstop all afternoon and evening. Dad has always been stubborn, and his arguing skills rival a five year old child right now.  If I didn't know better, I'd think he was trying to wear her down.  He thinks the pain is due to the fact that he has "to go" and is doing everything in his power to get around Mom and the catheter.  I think Mom is almost at her cracking point, and this is only day 1 of the chemo.  Dad finally told her to go sit in her chair and "be still". She had a good cry and then it began all over again. The nurse told Mom that she will not be able to handle this by herself. I will be there all day Tuesday, Thursday and Friday.  I hope Mom will leave his side for just a few hours to give herself a break. My whole family is going to have to pitch in so Mom can maintain some semblance of sanity.  I think Erma Bombeck would have had a field day describing the chaos going on in their room today.

I was talking to Dad a few minutes ago, and he told me that he would have to let me go - a neighbor girl (translated: nurse) had just come into his room.  Mom is hoping that Dad will be able to go to sleep soon, even though his chemo will continue for hours to come.  Unfortunately, they can't give Dad any medicine to calm him down because of his confusion. They have to be able to tell if his confusion is the same as usual or getting worse due to the chemo.

I don't know whose desperation sounded worse: Dad trying to convince Mom that he really MUST go to the bathroom, RIGHT NOW, or Mom trying to convince Dad that everything is taken care of. Try to imagine that conversation going for HOURS, and you will have summed up their day.

One last note: the nurses told Mom that it was very likely that Dad would be in the hospital all week. We originally were told he would be there until Wednesday or Thursday.  His vital signs aren't where they need to be, and they plan on making sure Dad has no problems - at all - before they release him. I am so very thankful for the exemplary care they have shown Dad.  He is definitely right where he needs to be.

I do believe that tomorrow Dad will get up and repeat all this chemo again.  Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Love,

Renee

Dad is in radiology right now, getting his PICC line (a peripherally inserted central catheter). This is where the chemo will enter the body. Mom says they have not told her yet when the chemo will begin. It will be a very long day for both of them.

I wanted to give you an address where they will be staying - my sister's house - while they are in Nashville. Mom told me last night the nurse informed them that he could be in the hospital all week. I hope they will be able to come home to Philpot for at least for a few days during the next 10 weeks. Kay's address will be the best place to send any cards or letters. Here is my sister Kay's address:

Kay Barnes

172 Sontag

Franklin, TN 37064-5754

Mom said that Dad's blood pressure still isn't where they would like it to be this morning; it's 140/59. The lower number is still lower than the doctors would like. His blood sugar is running high (due in part to the loaf of pumpkin bread I sent with them to the hospital), so he was given insulin. Mom also said that one side of Dad's mouth is drooping again. His urine pH was 7.5 at 4AM this morning, and the nurses felt like it would hit 8 by the time his chemo was to be administered. He still doesn't know where he is or why he's there.

I know Dad is being lifted up in prayer all over the country, and the Lord will take good care of him. I will give you an update tonight.

May God bless you all today.

Love,

Renee

Dad is officially checked into Vanderbilt. I asked if he knew why he was there, and he said no, but that he figured he'd find out in a few days. He is hooked up to an IV with Sodium Bicarbonate (a fancy name for baking soda) to try and alkalinize his urine. If the pH doesn't hit 8 by morning, they can't give him the chemo. His blood pressure is not too great: 156/47 - way too high on the top, way too low on the bottom. I am so very scared of him being in the hospital and I am so very scared of him not being there. I have spent the whole evening with a knot in my stomach, thinking about my dad being completely unaware of why he's in the hospital, yet complacently waiting in a hospital bed for what's yet to come. His body is about to be filled with toxic chemicals, and he just doesn't know.

He has always been my rock, my example, my mentor and he has loved me unconditionally, and now he just doesn't know. It breaks my heart to see him like this, but I know the Lord is gracious. Dad is obviously cradled in God's arms, being carried through this extremely difficult time. He is not suffering. For that, we are truly blessed. Hopefully tomorrow will bring the beginning of the end of Dad's tumor. I am praying for a miracle. We are in sore need of one.

Thanks for all your love,

Renee

THEY CAME HOME!!!!! Kay decided to bring them home this afternoon so Mom could pack up a few things. Mom also wanted a haircut, but apparently it is homecoming weekend and all the salons were full.......except for Macy's! She told them she wanted a haircut that would last ten weeks, and then was surprised at how short it was! Kristie and Rich brought their new additions: not one but TWO miniature granddogs for Dad to see. Clay brought his new doberman puppy, so it was quite an interesting evening. Dad made the comment that "It's going to the dogs around here"!

Kay will have them back at the hospital by noon tomorrow, then the chemo starts Monday. Mom will get to stay in his room with him - she will have her own bed. She tried to lay down by him in his bed at Frazier, and told him to scoot over, but he only moved over one inch. He told her that maybe they could push their beds together! I think Mom gave up and went back to her side of the room.

Dad doesn't mention tumors, biopsies, hospitals or chemotherapy at all. He is going into the hospital with no knowledge of what his immediate or distant future holds. I am very thankful for this blessing, and I'm not sure how he'll react if and when he is able to understand how truly sick he is. I guess we will, as Dad always says, "Cross that bridge when we get to it".

I will keep you posted on Dad's progress. If you would like to have this blog emailed to you when it's posted, you can sign up as a "Follower" of Freeman Powell. It's located on the lefthand side of the page when you bring this website up. I believe you sign up for a Google account - you just put in your email and a password, and then it will be sent to you automatically. If you have a problem with getting this set up, email me at renee-rx@roadrunner.com and I can try to add you in.

I am thrilled that they got to come home tonight. Mom was packing as fast as she could. Dad just enjoyed sitting in his chair. As for me, it was wonderful just to sit back and watch Dad in his own environment. It was almost, for a few minutes, like time stood still. Mass confusion, grandchildren everywhere and everyone where they should be - at home. Tonight was another blessing for our family.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow..........

I hope tonight you are able to count your many blessings too. I have come to realize how much I took for granted. One hard lesson I have learned from this: you don't realize what you have until it's gone.

May God bless you and your family.

Love,

Renee

I apologize for the lateness of information, but I didn't get home from Vanderbilt until 10:00 tonight. It has been such an emotional day. Poor Daddy was wheeled from one test to the next all day long. I know the spinal tap hurt, but when they wheeled him out, he had already forgotten about it. The nurse told me that he had experienced some pain during the procedure, but the knowledge of it was all gone in just a few minutes.

His pet scan showed no tumors in his body besides the one in his brain. His eye exam showed no lymphoma in his eyes. He has been such a trooper for the past few days, never complaining, just going where we wheeled him. If you asked him how he was holding up, he'd say he was "fresh as a daisy", "super" or "I'm doing just fine".

We talked about the clinical trial today with Dr. Reddy, the hematology oncologist, and we all agreed that Dad can't begin to comprehend the situation. We did not have to make a decision at all regarding treatment. This truly was a blessing. The doctor told us that Dad's situation was very grave, and I know that if Dad took the experimental treatment and things didn't go well, then Mom would never forgive herself. So, we are going with the standard treatment for "primary central nervous system lymphoma" - otherwise known as pcns lymphoma. This is apparently the regimen used all across the country. He will check into the hospital on Sunday, have chemotherapy on Monday and Tuesday, and if his blood work checks out okay, he'll be discharged on Wednesday or Thursday. He will just take pills for the second week. Then he'll repeat this cycle for a total of 5 times. He is taking a high dose of methotrexate, which can shut down your kidneys. That's why he'll be hospitalized every other week. He will be monitored very closely. They will not do any of this treatment in Owensboro. They would prefer Mom and Dad to stay near Vanderbilt for the entire 10 weeks, but the doctor did say they could come home for a few days as long as someone was staying with them. It is very important to Mom that they get to come home soon. She hasn't been home since Dad had his surgery, which was 12 days ago. She won't be home for at least another week, either. I'm not sure how we are going to manage this. I would prefer they stay in Nashville, but I know how comforting sleeping in your own bed can be, or looking at your flowers. Right now, Mom is in great need of comfort.

The chemo does shrink tumors in most people, but the relapse rate for this type of cancer is very high. Most people have a relapse by 18 months.....but not ALL people. Some people live for years with this type cancer. It can't be cured, but sometimes those cells lie dormant for a long time before reappearing. Dad's cancer has progressed much faster than most people with this disease, and that's not going to be playing in our favor. However, WE STILL HAVE HOPE. WE STILL HAVE FAITH. WE STILL STAND ON GOD'S PROMISES. Our God is an awesome God, and HE'S the One who's writing the statistics books. We will take on this fight one day at a time. This battle can be won only on our knees.

Thank you for every single prayer you've offered for our family. We humbly ask that you continue to lift both Dad and Mom up in prayer. The journey is really just beginning, even though it seems like we have been in this nightmare forever.

Love,

Renee

We are waiting at Vandy for more tests. The pet scan is at 11:30. Dad was so funny yesterday when they were scheduling that test. The receptionist told Dad he had a pet scan tomorrow, and Dad asked, "Is that test for humans or pets?!" The receptionist told Dad that human scans were Monday through Thursday and pets were scheduled on Friday. He had better be thankful that he was there on a Thursday!!!!!

Dad was in a wheelchair all day, and we have decided that I need to be the designated driver! Kristie ran him into a concrete pole, Mom took out several door casings and Kay sideswiped something else. When the doctor asked Dad if he had any pain, he said the only place he hurt were his feet where people kept running him into the walls! He has managed to have a sense of humor the past few days.

I was still laughing after I climbed in bed last night after this zinger. Kristie was standing over by the side of Dad, and Dad said, "Kristie, you can go over and pick the bugs off that dead chicken outside. That would be a good job for you. That chicken is called fresh road kill!" Dad said all that with a straight face, but after we all laughed, we caught a glimpse of a 2 second smile on his face!

Last night when Kristie and I drove both cars to Kay's house, we couldn't find the road we needed to turn on. It was like a bad movie. It was dark, foggy and the road had no lights. My trusty navigation system gave me the bad news "You are currently traveling in an area with no guidance". AAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHH. Unfortunately, I was the leader of our caravan. We passed the road twice, made 3 u-turns, and Kristie managed a few maneuvers that would have made Darrell Waltrip proud! I had Mom and Kristie on the cell phone, and they were going back and forth: Mom would tell her to turn on the defrost, and Kristie would tell her the problem was on the outside of the window. Mom would say something else, and Kristie would tell her she couldn't see. She had bad night vision and the windows were all fogged up........! Through this entire exchange, Dad didn't say ONE WORD! It was a true "Ressie and Mildred" situation - that is a private joke that only the Jolly family will be able to appreciate. Bottom line: WE MADE IT!

He has a very busy schedule today: pet scan at 11:30, eye appointment at 1:00, catscan at 1:30 and spinal tap at 2:00. We will meet with the hematology oncologist again after all these appointments. Hopefully, we will find out some more information today.

After I went to bed, I spent a lot of time wondering what we would do if Dad WAS asked to be in the trial. Is it okay for us to make a decision for experimental treatment for Dad, knowing that he has no idea what we are signing him up for? I really think that the trial would give him the best possible treatment, but I am not sure it's right to sign Dad up for medical experimentation. Mom does not want Dad to have experimental treatment, but I don't know that she understands completely how it would work. She is very overwhelmed right now. I am waiting on the Lord to show us where we need to go. I still kind of hope that we can have a chance for the trial, but I'm not sure Mom could make the decision for Dad. If anything went wrong, she could never forgive herself. Hopefully the decision will be VERY CLEAR because we are all VERY TIRED.

Thanks again for all your prayers.

Love,

Renee

We finally left the doctor's office tonight at around 7:30. We left with what we all feel is a very clear answer. Dad still has more tests to run tomorrow, and we haven't been denied access to the clinical trial yet, but the doctor tonight said there were three issues that might give us problems. The first problem is the shunt. That could interfere with the entry point of some of the chemotherapy. The second problem could occur if there are tumor cells in the spinal fluid. He has a spinal tap tomorrow to check for any cancer there. The third and most obvious problem is one that no one can argue with. In order for Vanderbilt to perform an experimental procedure on an individual, there must be informed consent. The person must be able to understand the ramifications of the procedures performed on them. There is no way Dad could even begin to understand this process. He spent five minutes explaining to the doctor that the reason he had an incision on his head was due to wayward goats and fence mending. Apparently an errant fence post left quite a cut on his head. When the doctor told him that the incision was obviously from surgery, and asked if he could remember what kind of surgery he had, Dad just sat there. He then told the doctor that it was from cataract surgery. Talk about a very obvious answer to our prayer. Even if Dad could act knowledgeable for five minutes, long enough to sign the papers, it is still experimental. None of us are willing to put Dad through that kind of therapy when he doesn't understand why he's even there. Our next option is our last option. He will still go through a very rigorous regimen of several chemotherapy agents, the primary one being methotrexate. He will have every treatment at Vanderbilt, and I believe he will be hospitalized every other week from Sunday through Wednesday or Thursday. We were told that he will probably have exactly the same chemotherapy as in the clinical trial - except he would not receive the monoclonal antibody with it. The rituximab targets the lymphoma cells, sticks to them, and essentially causes them to dissolve (I'm sure the doctor put this in very simplistic terms for us - I seriously doubt if the mechanism of action is quite so easily explainable). If all goes well, the chemotherapy will start Sunday (maybe earlier). They told us that with this chemo regimen, 80 to 90 % experience at least a 50% reduction in tumor size. Many people have even had their tumors disappear, at least from the view of the scans. He said that this cancer has no cure; at least some cells will always lie dormant. Another interesting fact: if your lymphoma starts in the brain, it almost never shows up anywhere else in the body. We have another long day ahead of us tomorrow, we still have lots more testing to go, and we're all tired. We also have realized that Frazier didn't give us any of Dad's steroid to reduce the swelling of his tumor. It's 10:00 and the nearest 24 hour Walgreens is 30 minutes away. I'm not sure how we are going to resolve this problem, but I'm sure we'll figure it out. Sorry if there are typos tonight. I am really tired and I don't think Kay's computer has a spell check! Love, Renee

Our first appointment with the hematology oncologist is over. Her name is Dr. Reddy, and she is an extremely nice lady. She told us that dad's cancer is very rare. When we were told it was the most common form of lymphoma, they were not talking about his specific type. There are only about 1500 cases of primary central nervous system lymphoma per year. If Dad does not make it into the clinical trial, he will be given high dose methotrexate by IV, and he will be in the hospital for three days for each treatment. After two treatments, they will repeat the MRI to see if the tumor is shrinking. It will take at least 5 treatments (10 weeks) for remission. If there is no remission after 10 weeks, they will change the chemotherapy or add radiation. If he has this treatment, he has a 60% chance of remission. We are having tests run today and tomorrow to make sure the lymphoma is only in the brain. If it is anywhere else - at all - Dad can't be in the clinical trial. He has just had a bone marrow biopsy. We are waiting for bloodwork to be run. They are scheduling an eye appointment to make sure there is no lymphoma in his eyes. We are having a petscan tomorrow to check all his lymph nodes. We must pray that no cancer shows up in any of these places. Until all of these tests are run, they can't start any treatment at all. They are going to increase his steroid dose to help decrease his swelling even further. If we qualify for the clinical trial, the treatment will last for 16 weeks. He will be in the hospital from Sunday through Wednesday or Thursday, every other week. The following week would be outpatient chemotherapy. Some things will be added as time goes on, but he will be in Nashville for the duration of the treatment. We were originally told when we got here that it would take till Monday to read the bone marrow biopsy. If Dad qualified for this trial, he must check in to the hospital on a Sunday. That would mean he wouldn't have been able to start his treatment for another week. Dr. Reddy just came out and told me that she has already reserved a bed for Dad for this Sunday. They are working on the assumption that all the tests will come back within range. She said that she would rush the results of the biopsy, and have the results back by Saturday. So far, the chances of Dad being in this clinical trial look very good. We are still praying for obvious answers, and right now it looks like the clinical trial is where we need to be. We still have to talk with Dr. Moots tonight at 5:00. He is the director of this trial. We are praising God for working all these tests out. Dad had his bone marrow biopsy 30 minutes after our appointment with the hematologist. He told me that the biopsy didn't hurt at all. He thinks they gave him a shot to numb him, but the nurse told us that the shot doesn't numb the bone. She said these are very painful, but the pain doesn't last very long. He is having all the blood work done right now. The petscan is at 11:30 tomorrow, and we are waiting to hear when his eye test will happen. God is definitely keeping us in His arms. Right now, we are really optimistic. Dr. Reddy said that she didn't see any damaged brain cells when she looked at the MRI results. She feels like Dad could get back 80% of his brain function with a few treatments. PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!! I'll keep you posted. Our prayers are working (but we always knew they would)! Love, Renee

I'm up early this morning, trying to prepare myself mentally for whatever the day will bring. I couldn't sleep, so I spent a lot of extra time praying last night. I pray for obvious answers, and peace in our hearts after the decision is made. There will be no time for second guesses today. The next leg of our journey is about to begin and I am trying not to be scared to death. I don't know how we got here so fast, but I pray that somehow, some way, this cancer can be slowed down. I pray for peace for my parents and my sisters and brother. I pray for strength for myself. I pray most of all for healing for my dad. To be brutally honest, it is very hard to put the phrase, "not my will but Thine" in that prayer. I am trying.......

Please Lord, guide the doctors today as they decide which way we need to proceed. I pray that you give us wisdom to discern which treatment offers Dad the best of both worlds: healing and quality of life. I pray that you give us the ability to stay strong, regardless of our answers today. I pray that You give Dad peace and comfort as he walks this very scary pathway. I praise you because I know Dad is not making this journey alone. Please comfort my family today. Lord, I pray that you would heal my father, if it be your will (and I pray that it is). Thank you for all our blessings.

Amen

Well, it has been a very long day of "hurry up and wait". Mom finally talked to the neurologist's nurse about appointments, and she told us that she had one tomorrow at 11:00 and then she had one on October 1st. She didn't know about the conversations that had been going on between Gregory and Dr. Moots. Mom told her there was no way we could wait until October; that Dad was way too sick. At 4:00, we got the message that Dad has an appointment at 11:00 at Vandy with the hematology oncologist, and at 5:00 with the neurology oncologist. We originally thought we would see both of them at the same time, but apparently this is not the case. They are going to present us with our options. They said that we will discuss the clinical trial, and then if Dad seems to be a candidate, more testing would need to be done to determine whether he will be a participant. They will also tell us about other treatment options. My concern regarding the clinical trial testing is that Dad may not have extra time for testing to check his eligibility. All three of his therapists told Mom this morning that there was a tremendous decline in his mental and physical body from this past Monday (2 days ago) to today. They said there was a marked decline just from yesterday to today. There will be a big decision to be made tomorrow. I hate to think that Dad will be put through very rigorous chemotherapy if his brain cells are not going to come back. We still don't know if shrinking the tumor will bring Dad's memory back. We don't know if the damage already done is permanent. We don't know if waiting a little longer for extra testing will be the straw that breaks the camel's back. When do we hit the point of no return? I don't know the answer, and I have a feeling the doctors won't know the answer to that question either. Only God knows, and I pray with all my heart that He makes the correct answer very obvious tomorrow.

Gregory's parents are, bless their hearts, going to pick up Mom and Dad very early in the morning. They are taking Mom's car and their car, and meeting Kristie and me in Bowling Green. Kristie and I will take Mom's car and my car on to Vanderbilt. Dad will be very tired before his day really starts. They will have a 3 hour ride from Louisville to Vanderbilt. I have a feeling that tomorrow will be overwhelming in many ways.

I have to thank Gregory for everything he has done for my dad. He has coordinated his care from the beginning, and we can never ever repay him that debt. I know how many hours he has spent on Dad's care, and those are hours Gregory didn't have to spare. From the bottom of our hearts, we thank you and love you dearly.

I humbly ask that you to pray for our wisdom tomorrow to make the correct choices. I also ask for prayer for Dad's strength to hang on just a little longer. If I could humbly make one more request, it would be for peace for my family, regardless of the outcome God chooses to give us.

Another dear friend of mine sent me this scripture tonight for comfort.

HAVE MERCY ON ME, O GOD, HAVE MERCY ON ME, FOR IN YOU MY SOUL TAKES REFUGE. I WILL TAKE REFUGE IN THE SHADOW OF YOUR WINGS UNTIL THE DISASTER HAS PASSED. I CRY OUT TO GOD MOST HIGH, TO GOD WHO FULFILLS HIS PURPOSE FOR ME. HE SENDS FROM HEAVEN AND SAVES ME, REBUKING THOSE WHO HOTLY PURSUE ME; GOD SENDS HIS LOVE AND HIS FAITHFULNESS.

Psalm 57:1-3

Love,

Renee

I know I just updated the blog, but I have a specific prayer request this morning. I called Kay because I didn't understand how so many states could be running this trial when the information says only 43 patients will be gathered for this study. She told me that it is very difficult to get an invitation into this trial since so many people have this type cancer. Only 43 people will be accepted over the United States. It truly is cutting edge technology. Please pray this morning that Dad will hear from them soon and hopefully make it into this study.

Thanks,

Renee

I just wanted to give you a very quick update this morning on Dad. He just got back from physical therapy. The therapist said he had a very difficult time with orientation. His attention was decreased, and he also had a hard time with the repetitions of his exercise. He didn't know which room was his - he forgot the number. He is much slower this morning. Mom is waiting on the doctor to call for the appointment. Kay told her that maybe the doctors could see him today - even though yesterday Kay told me that a Wednesday appointment was an impossibility. It would be truly a miracle to see them today. If they do get an appointment today, it will be a 3 1/2 hour drive to Nashville, and I don't know if they will be able to go by ambulance this time. Please pray for the soonest appointment we can get. Every hour we wait seems to make a huge difference now.

Love,

Renee

Good news first: the biopsy report is in. Dad has Diffuse Large B Cell Lymphoma, the most common form of central nervous system lymphoma. This is a very fast growing lymphoma, and the cells are dividing at a rate of greater than 70%. This is why Dad is going downhill so very fast. We would not have had this biopsy report yet, but Gregory told us tonight that the Vanderbilt neuropathologist came in and worked through the weekend to get the report ready. He knew how important it was. Our hope was that maybe we could get Dad to the neurological oncologist today, so Kevin and I went to Louisville this morning and stayed all day. Dad's health has decreased dramatically since Sunday. He had very little to say, he looked straight ahead in a daze for most of the time we were there, he is very confused and he is starting to get emotional. One side of his mouth is now drooping. The nurses are coming in every two hours to check his strength in his hands. I went with him to his occupational therapy, and one of the tests used a giant panel on the wall covered in red lights. One light would come on, and Dad would have to touch the light to turn it off. Then another light in another area would come on, etc. The purpose was to see how many lights Dad could touch in a specific time period. When Dad first entered Frazier, he could turn off 21 lights. On the first test today, he turned off 7 lights. They did the test four times. His results were 7, 15, 11 and 15. He also did five different exercises with arm weights. Immediately after the therapist worked through the exercises with him, she asked him to show her the exercises he had just done with his arms. He was supposed to do every exercise he could remember. He started exercising his foot. She told him that she only wanted the arm exercises he had done, and he couldn't remember any of them. Mom says that he is just lifeless tonight. The stress is starting to break Mom down now. She said that she had seen him go down so much today. It is unfathomable how we could be to this juncture in three weeks. Gregory talked to the neurological oncologist tonight, and the nurse will be calling them in the morning to make an appointment for either Thursday or Friday. The oncologist says there is a clinical trial going on at Vanderbilt that is cutting edge technology. It is the best treatment available for this type of lymphoma. Dad just has to qualify for the study. He has to meet with both the neurological oncologist and the doctor running the clinical trial at the same time. If he meets the specifications to participate in this trial, he will be given high dose chemotherapy and a monoclonal antibody called Rituximab. If I am reading the clinicaltrials.gov site correctly, his treatment would be for 14 weeks. This trial is not conducted in the state of Kentucky. His entire treatment would take place at Vanderbilt. Monoclonal antibodies can block cancer growth in different ways. Some find cancer cells and kill them or carry cancer-killing substances to them. Others interfere with the ability of cancer cells to grow and spread. Drugs used in chemotherapy work in different ways to stop the growth of cancer cells, either by killing the cells or by stopping them from dividing. By giving rituximab and chemotherapy together, they hope it will kill more cancer cells. All this information can be found on this website: clinicaltrials.gov - Trial # ECOG-E1F05 . This trial has been very successful in shrinking tumors, and in some cases the tumors have actually disappeared. The oncologist says this will be the best trial Dad could be in, but he will have to qualify. Thursday or Friday can't get here soon enough. The doctors know what shape Dad is in, but both doctors have to see him together, and that isn't possible tomorrow. With each day, the clock is ticking. I know we are not running on our time, we're running on God's time. I know that God knows what He's doing, and that He will be glorified. God did not guide the Israelites, who were being chased by the Egyptians, to the Red Sea and then leave them to fend for themselves. The Israelites had absolutely no hope of saving themselves. When their situation was hopeless, God stepped in and showed them that he was the Supreme Lord, capable of ALL things. He parted the Red Sea. No matter how hopeless the situation, my God tells me that He is in control. He knows exactly where Dad is, He knows how bad the situation is, and, yes, thank goodness, He is the same God who parted the Red Sea. To God be the glory, great things He hath done. I WAITED PATIENTLY FOR THE LORD; HE TURNED TO ME AND HEARD MY CRY. HE LIFTED ME OUT OF THE SLIMY PIT, OUT OF THE MUD AND MIRE; HE SET MY FEET ON A ROCK AND GAVE ME A FIRM PLACE TO STAND. Psalm 40: 1-2

Right now, we are definitely in the mud and mire. Please pray that Dad's condition doesn't worsen before the appointment, and that if it is God's will, he will be able to have this particular treatment. Please pray for Mom's strength. She has been very strong through this ordeal, but tonight she broke down on the phone. It's almost more than she can bear. Thank you for all your prayers. I can't imagine where Dad or the rest of our family would be without them.

Love always,

Renee

I wish that I could tell you tonight that we had a repeat day of yesterday, and that Dad was much better today. Yesterday, I sang in the car on my way home from the hospital, I did NOT cry while I was writing my blog, I slept well and I did not wake up two hours before my alarm went off. Yesterday seems to be so long ago. Today was really difficult for Dad. He started out thinking he was at a 4-H camp for underprivileged children. He then knew he was at some type of conference. He addressed the lack of organization at the conference with the maintenance man, who said he would discuss it with his supervisor. Fifteen minutes later, they were back at 4-H camp. Mom said it was like this all day. He said he had no therapy today, but Mom said he had six sessions. I just don't understand how things can change so quickly. Why can't we have just two good days in a row?

We got the evaluation from Frazier today. They feel that as long as Dad's tumor is growing, any progress they might be able to make with his memory could be erased very quickly. It is probably not going to benefit him to have treatments right now. They said that he could stay there until we can work out a regimen for his cancer treatments. They also said that maybe he could come back after his tumor had been treated. They don't want him to stay very long, because he could have a limited number of days that his insurance will pay for, and they don't want to waste them right now. He might be there for a few more days or possibly a week.

We have only gotten one preliminary report back on the biopsy, and it had no definite information. They think it is lymphoma, and if it is, it is very fast-growing. We already knew it was growing very fast. Dad's mind was gone in just over a week. His voice is

really changing quickly. It was weaker tonight than last night. You wouldn't recognize his voice right now. Most nights, he doesn't have much to say anyway.

The biopsies are supposed to take between 7 to 10 working days to process. Wednesday will be day eight. My fear is that we are giving this very fast growing cancer way too much of a head start. It is so hard to sit by helplessly and wait......wait to see what insidious symptom is going to appear next. How many more symptoms are going to manifest themselves before we even know what the cancer is? I am praying for the biopsy reports to come quickly. I am praying for a treatment regimen that can shrink this tumor. I am praying for two good days in a row.

I TELL YOU THE TRUTH, IF ANYONE SAYS TO THIS MOUNTAIN, GO, THROW YOURSELF INTO THE SEA, AND DOES NOT DOUBT IN HIS HEART BUT BELIEVES THAT WHAT HE SAYS WILL HAPPEN, IT WILL BE DONE FOR HIM. THEREFORE I TELL YOU, WHATEVER YOU ASK FOR IN PRAYER, BELIEVE THAT YOU HAVE RECEIVED IT, AND IT WILL BE YOURS.

Mark 11:23-24

Love,

Renee

Dad is ready for therapy with no therapist to be found! Apparently they were told he would have therapy at 8:15, so they were up and dressed, and then therapy got pushed back to 12:15. Dad informed them that if they were not going to be able to work on him, he would be leaving! He might not be there at that time! He also was ready for his coffee, but his breakfast tray had not arrived. He took off down the hall in search of his own coffee. He found a nurse, who very nicely told him he could have his coffee, but that he couldn't walk the halls to find it! Mom says Dad is a "little" agitated this morning. He is ready for progress! He is still having bouts of confusion, but I think that is here to stay for at least a little while.

Today we will find out how long Frazier Rehab thinks Dad will need to stay. Hopefully we will also get some more of the biopsy reports in. I will probably start writing the updates at night for a while, unless we go through some more major changes. We love you all. Have a very blessed day.

Renee

Erin and I just got back from Louisville tonight, and have such wonderful news to share. Dad held normal conversations today, and I was there to witness it!!! Praise the Lord for a huge gift of hope. He spoke intelligent sentences probably 50% of the time we were there! Just 3 days ago, he was unable to make any rational statements - AT ALL. Today, he was totally different. Words cannot begin to express the joy that we felt driving home, or how wonderful it was to call my sisters and brother with, finally, some good news that would bring a little peace to their world. Today was truly a miracle, and I give God all the glory. This has been such a mental battle for all our family, and will continue to be for a very long time. We know who is behind these mental battles, these nagging periods of doubt, and I thank God that all of us have been taught how to fight back against Satan. He is a very difficult adversary, but Christ has already defeated him. We are not going into this war unarmed. As a very good friend told me this morning, our parents have spent their life teaching us how to stand strong; we will not back down now. Dad will face more physical battles in the next month than he has faced in the sum total of his life. We are so thankful that the shield of God has surrounded him, and that God is fighting on our side. What more could we ask for?

Tomorrow, his doctors and therapists will meet to discuss the evaluations made on Friday and Saturday. The healing process begins in earnest. I know in my heart that today's progress is just a preview of the miracle that is to follow. Please keep both Dad and Mom in your prayers. Dad is starting the fight for his life, and Mom will be forced to sit on the sidelines to watch the battle unfold. I am banking on the knowledge that if God brings you to it, He will bring you through it. I very humbly say, "Thank you Jesus for taking care of my daddy. You are undeniably an awesome God."

Love,

Renee

Another Sunday morning, and I don't want to think about going to church when my family is not there. We are trying to reach some kind of normalcy, trying to work around not having our preacher and organist present. It is hard to walk into that church for me right now; they've been there for almost 39 years. They should be there today. Instead, Dad is up and dressed and sitting in a chair at Frazier, waiting on Mom to get dressed to they can go "somewhere". He's not sure where they're going, but he told me this morning I need to call before I come, because they might not be there. He says they may be leaving because the program is not what he thought it would be. He says that last year there were hundreds of people there, but this year it seems to be more one on one. He says he is not really happy with the program, and they will have to wait and see what happens. I believe he thinks he is at a conference they attended a few years ago. I also noticed a big change in his voice this morning. It is much higher and weaker than it was yesterday. He attributes his voice change to allergens. I hope he's right.

Mom is set up for a very long day. There's no therapy on Sundays, and she's not sure if there is a service in the chapel this morning. She is going to read Dad some scripture this morning, and then walk the halls to see if there is any service they can attend. She says it's Sunday and they need to be worshipping. No matter what is happening in their life, they will always be praising God. How lucky I am to have such Godly parents. I don't want to think about what we would be facing if we didn't have God to carry us through this. There truly would be no hope.

What a very long Saturday this has been. Even though I normally wouldn't see Mom or Dad on a Saturday, I have felt kind of lost with having them in Louisville and me in Owensboro. They had some company today: Bud and Don visited, and then Kristie and Rich and the boys visited later. Kristie said that Dad was pretty quiet. He did have a really good time playing ball with the boys. I love to watch him play ball; he gets a truly genuine and, for lack of a better word, innocent smile on his face. It is almost like he is 5 again, back in a time where there are no cares or worries to be found. Even though I am thrilled to see him smile, my heart is still breaking. Where do we go from here, and how in the world are we going to get there? It is so unbelievably overwhelming.

I was reading Kristie's favorite verse for strength: Psalm 46: 1, and I continued on from there. GOD IS OUR REFUGE AND STRENGTH, AN EVER-PRESENT HELP IN TROUBLE. THEREFORE WE WILL NOT FEAR, THOUGH THE EARTH GIVE WAY AND THE MOUNTAINS FALL INTO THE HEART OF THE SEA, THOUGH ITS WATERS ROAR AND FOAM AND THE MOUNTAINS QUAKE WITH THEIR SURGING. I think that right now God knows MY earth, my little "white bread world", has been shaken down right through its foundation. I keep reading, then I find that one verse that keeps repeating itself: BE STILL, AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD; I WILL BE EXALTED AMONG THE NATIONS, I WILL BE EXALTED IN THE EARTH. I guess that's a big part of my problem. I am not a "still" person. I was not raised by two "still" people. If you know me very well, you will probably agree that there is not a "still" bone in my body. If there is a problem, I will fix it......immediately. That is the way I was raised, that is what I do now, and that is exactly the opposite of what God is telling me here. Be still.......and know......that I am God. This is another lesson that I am learning..........very slowly.

Please continue to pray for my Dad. He is so very tired and confused. My mom is having trouble coping. She'd never say it out loud, but I can hear it in her voice, and in what she doesn't say. She needs lots of strength.

Love always,

Renee

I'm on my way to work this morning for the first time this week. Mom had both her phones turned off this morning (unbeknownst to her!), so when I finally did get ahold of her, we didn't have much time to talk. She said that Dad has already had a memory test this morning. One of the things he had to do was name all the animals he could think of. This sounds relatively easy, but when he was asked to do this Wednesday, it was a daunting test for him. They gave him 25 seconds, and after 20 seconds, he had not named one animal. I gave him a hint: "What do you raise on the farm, Dad?". He answered: sheep, goats, and chickens (the correct answer: goats). Today, Mom said he named all kinds of animals. He also answered correctly again this morning where he was: Frazier. Another question he aced: name flying animals. She said he did amazingly well on his memory test! Praise the Lord for each small victory!

Have a blessed day.

Love,

Renee

I have put off writing tonight until I could be in a less somber mood. I was so excited this morning: Dad remembered that he had eaten breakfast, and also, for the most part, knew what he had eaten. Tonight, I found out that he thinks he had breakfast three times this morning. He also has 6 grandchildren (actual count: 8), 2 dogs of his own (actual count: 0) and 1 "granddog" (actual count: 3). He also told Clay there were 16 marijuana plants growing somewhere in the backyard - which I guess must be growing for me, because he said AGAIN this week that I was sitting over there "higher than a kite". He did say he found this out through Kristie's authority, but "he is not sure how credible she is". I guess I'm going to have to have a word with Kristie.........

His therapy started today. He met with the occupational therapist, physical therapist and speech therapist. He doesn't know why he has to have a speech therapist; he has no trouble with speech, which he doesn't. I think the actual job description might be a nicer way to describe "neurological therapist". Mom is sitting in on all the therapies, so that she continue using their methods at home. He walked around the gym, strapped into a safety harness. He "marched" back and forth over a rug, 15 steps one way, 15 steps back. He kept getting distracted by other things in the gym, and had to check everything out. He saw a ball he really wanted to use, but they told him he would have to wait until later. So, when they got back to their room, Mom and Clay played ball with Dad for a long time. He loves to throw it back and forth. He also loves to bat a balloon. Mom says he has a "little child look" in his eyes. I know it is very hard for her to watch, but it really seems to make him happy.

Mom and Clay both think he was just a little bit better today. He did manage to tell one doctor that he was in Louisville, and I believe he also told them he knew he was at Frazier. I don't think he got those answers right the next time those questions were asked. I know this is going to be a journey of patience, faith and trust. Lots of patience, faith and trust.

I talked to Mom tonight, and she said Dad was really tired, and he had that "hollow sound" in his voice. I think all the exercise wore him out. She asked him if he wanted to talk to Renee and I heard him say, "Not necessarily". I know that he doesn't know what he's saying, but that still cut to the bone. My "old" daddy would never have said that. Things are so very different now.

I guess I am hoping for God to answer my prayers quickly, in MY time, with a resounding YES. Kristie told me today, "We don't know what's on the other side of heaven". Only God knows what's best, and in HIS time, He will show us. Then I'll get my answer. In the meantime, lots of patience, faith and trust.........

Love,

Renee

I will give you the same greeting my father gave me this morning. Mom told him that Renee was on the phone, and he said, "Salutations, hallucinations, etc.". I laughed at that, but he didn't. Humor or irony, I'm not sure, but he was in good spirits again this morning. I asked him what he had for breakfast, and he said bacon, eggs, toast, coffee and a big glass of orange juice. He actually had biscuits instead of toast, but 4 out of 5 correct answers is AN ANSWER TO ANOTHER PRAYER. If you see me out today, bacon, eggs, coffee and orange juice will be the reason you will find me with a huge smile on my face! Praise the Lord!!!!!! Yesterday he couldn't tell you correctly if he had even eaten. The Lord is working miracles, and I am so glad to be able to share them with you. The speech therapist has been in, the physical therapist is in there now, and the occupational therapist helped him put his clothes on this morning (no more "moon over Miami" when Dad jumps out of his chair).

Kristie and I are tying up some loose ends today. We aren't really sure how long Dad will be at Frazier. Mom will be there the entire time with Dad. I don't see her trying to leave the hospital. She will have to leave and go to the cafeteria and buy her meals. They asked how much it would be to have a tray just like Dad's delivered to her when Dad got his: $20.00 a meal! I know Dad will be "back" when he says, "Twenty dollars a meal? Jeanette, we're going to Culvers!"

Thanks for all the prayers. Please keep Dad on all your prayer lists. He has such a long way to go. I wish I could give every single one of you who has cried with us, prayed with us or prayed for us a huge hug. What I CAN do is pray that God bless each and every one of you too. I can also give you some advice. Hug your own family today. Tell them how much you love them. Don't let the sun set on any unresolved conflicts. I can tell you from experience: you might not get that chance tomorrow. I LOVE YOU!

Renee

Another late night: Kristie and I just pulled in from Louisville at 9:30. Mom and Dad are moved into their new "home". They rode in an ambulance from Vanderbilt to Louisville, and Kristie and I packed up their things from home and helped them move in. Dad's new bed has an alarm on it. If the weight shifts at all (translated: he gets up without permission), an alarm sounds. If you hug him too tightly, and put too much pressure on the bed, an alarm sounds. He was happy as a clam tonight. Aunt Ruthie and Uncle Jack were there when we arrived. After they left, I commented on how nice his hospital room was, and he said "Hospital room? I thought I was at Jack and Ruthie's house!" He also asked Mom why he had bought the bed that he was in. Mom told him it was because he needed it. He replied that he had actually bought both beds in the room for Jack and Ruthie, so I told him that they wouldn't mind Mom and Dad using them for a while. He was looking through a picture album we brought, and kept asking who this one particular man in many of the pictures were. The pictures were all of him.

We think that he might be a tiny bit improved today. Kay said that this morning he would be lucid for a couple of minutes, and then revert back his crazy talking in mid-sentence. This is definitely an improvement. He did this several times this morning. Tonight, I didn't get to experience that. Clay said that yesterday afternoon when he got tired, he got really crazy. He absolutely loves to play "catch" now. He and Kay threw a plastic whiffle ball back and forth for half an hour, and Mom said it was just like watching a little child. He was enthralled with "whack-a-mole". He also enjoys taking a portable tic-tac-toe board and turning all the panels to either all "x's" or "o's". Kay has really worked to find different ways to entertain Dad to keep him from trying to pick out his stitches or rubbing his sutures with his hands. We are really concerned about all the germs he has to be introducing into those wounds, but unless they put him in restraints again, I'm not sure what else we can do....maybe gloves, but I'm sure they would be off in about 20 seconds.

I found out a few details about the visitation to Frazier Rehab. Visiting hours are from 9am to 9:30pm, Monday through Sunday, though they would prefer you to visit at night and on weekends, due to therapy sessions being conducted during the day. If you happen to visit them, you need to park in the Jewish Hospital parking garage (I found this out after I parked in Kosair's Children's Hospital parking garage!). There are also signs posted outside the elevators that announce that no live plants or flowers can go past this point. Kristie and I pretended not to see that one!!!!!! I have a feeling our flowers will be gone tomorrow, but tonight, they can enjoy them.

I assume that Dad's intensive therapy will start tomorrow...YEAH!!!!!!!! It can't come too soon. If Dad can gain just a few extra minutes every day of his memory, it will be such a testimony of God's grace. To God be the glory, great things He hath done.

Love,

Renee

Good morning. Today is another day and a fresh start for Dad. He will be in room 709 at Frazier Rehab, and they will be transported today. Mom seemed to be in better spirits after getting some sleep last night. She told me again that we didn't need to come to Louisville today; she could wait for her things until tomorrow. She is very afraid that she is going to disrupt someone else's life. I think that if there are lessons to be learned here, and I know there are many...Mom will learn she does not have to be an island. She is going to have to depend on other people. She can't do this alone. It is okay to accept help from others, and it is important to other people that they help her. It takes a village to raise a child, and I think it will a city to finish raising Dad. He needs a lot of help, both now and in the future.

No change in his status since last night. He thinks this morning that my brother is going to drive to where Dad is (the Vanderbilt Cracker Barrel) on his motorcycle, and then let my dad drive it home. We are so thankful that Dad is talking now, but we are praying for even subtle changes now in his memory. Frazier Rehab has their work cut out for them.

Here is their new address:

Frazier Rehab Institute

220 Abraham Flexner Way

Louisville, KY 40202

I'm not sure how they will want any letters addressed to residents there, but Dad (and Mom) will be in room 709. For all who have been praying and may only know my dad as Kristie's dad, Clay's dad, Kay's dad or Renee's dad: his name is Freeman Powell. Please continue to pray for brain function. I have a difficult time thinking that so many brain cells could be completely dead within just 2 weeks's time. I know that Dad has always been a "work in progress", and today is no different. Thank you God for what you are doing in Dad's life. We may not see the intricate brush strokes that, to us resemble nothing in the early stages, but hold to the truth that, with the brush in Your hand, the end result will be a masterpiece. We continue to pray for strength and peace.

Love always,

Renee

I am sorry this is so late. I got home about 6:30 tonight, and within an hour I had to help take care of a sick neighbor. Their family could sure use an extra prayer tonight also. His name is Roy Nicely. He was released from the hospital this morning, and I had to call the ambulance again tonight. I have called Mom just now, and her spirits are really down. They are supposed to go to Frazier Rehab tomorrow, but the representative didn't call them back this afternoon with the confirmation. My brother-in-law says that many times they just show up at your hospital room with a stretcher saying, "We're here". Kristie and I decided the best plan of action would be for us to come home tonight, wash their clothes and pack their clothes to last for 3 weeks. Then we'd take all their things and their car to Frazier and meet them there tomorrow. It sounded like a really good idea to us, but now Mom is alone tonight, and I think hearing Dad talk nonsense all day long has really taken its toll. Dr. Weaver, his neurosurgeon, came in tonight to see them. He was really pleased with Dad's increased agility, but he feels like Dad's brain should have shown at least some improvement in his short term memory. He told Mom that we need to prepare ourselves for the fact that some of Dad's brain cells may have died, and if that is the case, there is nothing anyone can do to change his condition. Mom has been trying to deal with Dad's insistence that he is preparing for funerals, studying for his sermons, or must leave immediately to conduct the prayer meeting for the Wednesday night service (even though we know it's not Wednesday) for over a week. This has been extremely stressful for her, and tonight I think she is overwhelmed. Mom is a very strong woman, and she has been holding up under an unbelievable amount of pressure. Even though Dad is stronger, we still don't have a definite diagnosis of the type of cancer, his short term memory is gone and he is talking nonsense, he is leaving straight from the hospital for rehab, the doctor has told her he doesn't know if this will help Dad at all, and then he has an aneurism that they won't deal with at all right now. It is a lot to digest when Dad was perfectly healthy 2 1/2 weeks ago. Add chemo and/or radiation therapy for weeks, and the picture is a difficult one for anyone to handle. Mom is going to need a lot of prayer and faith to get through the coming days. We will take it one day at a time. Right now, each day is a victory. Mom has had all of her kids with her for support up till now, but in Louisville, for much of the time, it will just be Dad and herself. Dad still doesn't understand the ramifications of all that is happening. Mom is not that lucky.

Please continue to pray for our family. Kristie and I talked all the way home about how very fortunate we have been to have such a wonderful support system. On another night, when I am not so tired (and don't have to retype every fifth word due to a typo!), I want to share all the blessings we have received, and how our perspective on EVERYTHING has changed. Thank you to all the prayer warriors. We can't make it through this battle without you. Your comments on facebook, emails, the blog, phone calls and in person have truly sustained us through the first round of the toughest and scariest battle any of us have ever faced. Kristie and I both think that if you have never had to face something like this, you don't understand the value of having a true friend do something as simple as say, "I'm praying for you". It is truly such an easy and quick thing to do, yet it means so much to those who are hurting.

If this rambles too much tonight, I apologize. I am just really tired. Tomorrow will be a better day.

Love,

Renee

PRAISE THE LORD, PRAISE THE LORD, PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!!! Answer to prayer number #1250: Dad will be going to Frazier Rehabilitation Center either tonight or tomorrow. They are having a bed crunch, and Dad will have to have a private room, due to his condition, so it may take a day to work out the logistics. Dad is 500% stronger today; he has walked down the hall, brushed his own teeth and kept us all in stitches all morning. I have laughed with my Dad until my stomach hurts. He makes these wild comments, then we all laugh together. He seems to think that he is really knowledgeable about everything, and that he is very witty!!!!! He has jumped out of his chair twice in the past five minutes to go to the bathroom, even though he has been forbidden to move by himself. He has never been good at following the rules. PRAISE THE LORD, PRAISE THE LORD, PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!!!!

Frazier Rehabilitation feels like we will notice drastic changes in his short term memory, and they think he may be in their facility possibly two to three weeks. We are playing everything by ear right now. Dad will have to have someone with him 24 hours a day for the duration of his treatment there, but they think that Dad's insurance will pay for that also. He will ride in an ambulance from Vanderbilt to Louisville, and that will be his new home for the time being. PRAISE THE LORD, PRAISE THE LORD, PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!!!!!!!

He is really tired of all these doctors coming in his room and asking him questions, like "What is your name, where are you, what year is it, who is the president, etc". He said this morning, "If the doctors don't know any more than that, they don't need to be here. They are not staff doctors; they are walking in off the street". He felt he could treat himself as well as the doctors here are doing. One of the therapists asked him if he knew who the president was, and he said "Unfortunately." The answer he gave was William Chesterfield Clinton. He has given us three reasons for his cut on his head: 1. he was playing soccer 2. he ran into a concrete wall and 3. one of his son-in-laws made him walk down a rickety flight of stairs, even though he knew they weren't safe, and he fell. These were the answers he gave this morning. Two hours later, he did give the correct year: 2009, and the correct president: Obama. I am not so sure that he will give the correct answers again today, but for now: PRAISE THE LORD, PRAISE THE LORD, PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!!!!!

The environment is changing fast, and for this we are so blessed. God is good. We just have to learn that God is in control, and then depend on Him to carry us on this journey He has planned for us. Our road has many twists still to come, but the Lord will never leave our side. PRAISE THE LORD, PRAISE THE LORD, PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!!!!!!!

Dad is seeing a speech therapist right now, and he is answering questions for her. She asked him what the opposite of large was, and he said "his wife"! He scored some major points for that one!

I am so glad to finally have some really good news to share. We give all the glory to our Lord, and we thank you all for lifting Dad and us up in prayer. Please keep praying for him. We asked the doctor yesterday what to expect, and he told us that he didn't want to be facetious, but that we would "need to watch till the end of the movie". He makes no predictions. We serve a most gracious Lord. We are truly humbled by all the love, prayers and support we have been given by thousands (literally) of people. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts. Let me leave you with one last sentence: PRAISE THE LORD, PRAISE THE LORD, PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!

I will continue to keep you posted.

Love,

Renee

Well, another day in ICU. They did not move Dad into another room. After the neurosurgeon gave us the news this morning, we all cried, prayed and then regrouped our efforts into reminding each other that God is sovereign. We started the prayer chain at church, we asked for prayers on his blog and facebook, and now we are waiting. About an hour after the surgeon left, the nurses came and checked his strength. The verdict: his legs are very strong He walked up and down the hall, surrounded by nurses, and we began to say "thank you, God" for what you are going to do. The battle begins with faith, and when one of our family members falters, another one steps up and reminds us who is in control. Physically, at the end of this day, Dad is stronger. His confusion is unchanged. He just told the nurse that his bed was hot, and he was going to the manager to complain, because he had paid an extra $20 for that bed. When one of the nurses was helping to turn him, she apparently "got in his space", because he informed her that he wasn't used to strange ladies trying to get in his bed.

Our next step is to try and get Dad into a special rehab center - our first choice will be Frazier Rehab in Louisville. They specialize in neurological rehabilitation, and they will also work on physical therapy and occupational therapy. We don't know if Dad is a candidate yet for them, but they are one of the best in the country. We will talk with one of their representatives in the morning. We can have the rehab at Vanderbilt too, but they don't focus primarily on the brain. We know the Lord will send Dad where he needs to go. We are looking at 1 to 2 weeks to start, and then we will have a better idea of what we are looking at. We should also have the pathology report back, and will know more about cancer treatments. It is very possible that if we can shrink the tumor, his problems will decrease. Right now, his brain is still very swollen and there is still some bleeding. He is not cooperating with leaving all the tubes in his arms alone, and he has been in restraints for much of the day. He also ripped out his catheter - this added more bleeding in a different place. He is very nervous, and has had to wear "mittens" to keep his fingers from pulling out the tubes that need to stay in place.

We have not had any better news from the neurosurgeon since this morning, but we are heartened by his increasing strength. God has with Dad from the beginning, and we are praying that he will have only a temporary stay in a rehabilitation facility. Thanks again for ALL YOUR PRAYERS. We are still desperately in need of them.

We love you all,

Renee

I am coming with very bad news and requests for prayer. The neurosurgeon came in this morning and told us that since there was no change in Dad from last night to this morning, he doesn't feel like there will be any improvement for him, mentally or physically. He feels like the shunt should have already given him some relief. He told us that Dad needed to stay in the hospital for another day or two, but that the risk of him developing pneumonia or a blood clot would be much greater for every day that he is here. He told us that we would not be able to care for Dad at home, and he is sending a social worker to discuss where we will put Dad. Rehab is not an option right now to help him be more mobile, because you must be cognizant for two to three hours a day for rehab. Dad is not.

We were not expecting this, and we are all just in a state of severe emotional shock. The doctor can't guarantee that Dad will not get better, but he doesn't think it is probable. We are praying for a miracle, and we humbly beg you to do the same. It is all in God's hands, and again, there is no better place for Dad to be. We love you and ask you to pray for strength to pull our family through this very difficult time.

Renee

6:30 The surgeon has just left, and he has given us news that is better than it could have been. He said that he feels like Dad's cancer is lymphoma. He bled a lot during the surgery, and they also had to replace a lot of his spinal fluid . The good news is that lymphoma is treatable, though Dad may not be eligible for the high dose chemotherapy that is commonly used. We will meet with an oncologist in 2 weeks to discuss our options. A glioma has still not been ruled out, but he thinks after the pathology report comes in, it will be lymphoma. The bad news is that it is possible that Dad's brain has been permanently damaged by the tumor. His brain function may not come back. He also may not regain his mobility. The doctor said that, due to all the bleeding and spinal fluid replacement that occurred during surgery, and add in what bad shape Dad was in when he came here, it will be at least a week to even start watching for improvement. Sometimes it takes up to a year to regain these things, and sometimes they never return. We will have to wait and let God continue to work in Dad. This is the news we wanted, and we are praising the Lord. He did have so much bleeding that he may stay in ICU for an extra night. It is a bittersweet rejoicing, as Dad's brain function is so low right now, and his mobility is so impaired, that the thought this may be permanent is overwhelming. However, God brought us to this point, and I KNOW THAT GOD IS NOT DONE. Praise the Lord for this probable diagnosis of lymphoma and please pray that God will heal Dad's injured brain. We had 21 people here at Vanderbilt today to give support. We have been blessed with wonderful friends and family. Thank you so much for all your prayers and love and support at home. After the surgeon walked away, we all joined hands and had a group prayer thanking Him for his goodness and mercy. We have hope. God is gracious and always answers prayers, and he never leaves us during our darkest moments. WE LOVE YOU ALL.

Renee

2:50 They just took Dad up for surgery. They let Mom go up in the surgery holding room with him, and then there was some kind of delay. She waited with Dad from 11:50 to 2:50, waiting for them to take him. At around 2:00, they said that one of the sisters (Kay, Kristie or I) could go up and be with Mom. What a decision as to who would go. We solved it diplomatically: the closest number between 1 and 20 won.... and it was ME. I got to see Dad one more time. He had not had any medicine to affect his speech or movements yet, but Mom said his body was almost immovable. His movements are much worse today. She could hardly get his clothes changed. I am so thankful that the shunt is going in, and with it, hopefully, some relief. I think it will be about 4 more hours now before he is finished. I am not expecting any news before 7, and there is no cell phone service inside the hospital waiting room. I am sitting outside on my computer typing this, because that's the only place I have internet access. Please keep praying. Thank you so much.

Love,

Renee

11:45 They just took Dad up for surgery. We all waited with Dad until he left. They did let Mom go up with him. Dad thought they were taking him to get the brown stains off his teeth. I know he was really scared, though. There have been 16 family and friends here, and the prayer chain has been started. My Dad is in God's hands, and though it is very hard to relinquish him, I know he couldn't be in better hands. Praise the Lord for the love He has always shown my dad, and for the special protection God is giving Dad right now. God bless the neurosurgeons and the nurses who will operate on Dad. God, give special blessings to my mom, who has been a rock, but is scared to death. God give our family the ability to accept whatever news you decide is best, and thank you most of all for the blessings you have always bestowed on our family, and for the ones you will continue to bless us with.

5:40 AM: This is the day that the Lord hath made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it. Gladness is not quite the emotion I have, yet the Lord hath made this day, my father, the surgeons and all things that the eye can see. My faith tells me that the Lord is orchestrating everything today, and that I can leave the reins in his capable hands. Thank you, Lord, for carrying us when we are too tired to walk, and for patiently waiting to guide us for as long as it takes us to realize that we really don't know where we're going. You never leave our side, and you will be with us all day. PRAISE THE LORD FOR WHAT HE IS ABOUT TO DO.

I will be leaving updates throughout the day, if I can hook in to the hospital's wi-fi system (that may be the totally wrong choice of words - I am not computer savvy and it's early). If I can't, I'll get Kevin to post them. If you sign up as a follower on this blogsite, I believe that it will automatically email any posts to you, so you won't have to check anything but your email.

Please be prayer warriors today. My family has truly never needed anything so much as prayer on this day. Thank you so much.

Much love,

Renee

Tomorrow is the date we've all been waiting for, and my sisters, brother and I ask very humbly if all of our friends could stop at 1:00 and pray for my dad's safety, his healing, and the guidance of both the neurosurgeons who are operating on him. Please lift him up and pray for God's will to be done. It has taken me the past two weeks to get to the point where I can pray that GOD'S will be done - not mine. I realize that I am in control of absolutely nothing. I cannot change this situation. We have ONLY GOD, but GOD IS ALL WE NEED. A very wise man reminded me today that SATAN is the author of worry and confusion. He wants to steal, kill and destroy. God provides peace and promises to carry my burdens if I'm willing to turn them over to Him. God made every inch of my father, and he can heal every inch of my father, with one touch of His hand. Miracles do happen for those that BELIEVE. PLEASE BELIEVE with us at 1:00 and PRAY FOR A MIRACLE.

Here's my update on Dad. Today, while I was visiting Dad at their house, I told him that I needed to go home soon. He said that he would need to go home, too. I asked him what home he was talking about, and he said the one on Jack Hinton Road. I asked him where he thought he was now, and he said, "I don't know, but it's not home - at least I don't think so". His confusion seems to to be no worse, but also no better. He would mention that his surgery tomorrow, but then start studying his personal phone book, and when I asked what he was doing, he said he was studying for his sermon. I asked what his sermon was about, and he told me I'd have to look in the bulletin. We had lots of hugs today, and I have a peace in my heart that wasn't there yesterday, or even there this morning. I know God can handle this much better than I ever could. There is strength in the power of prayer, and we thank you in advance for all you've given so far, and for tomorrow. We love you all. Our God is an awesome God.

Also, I know I speak for our whole family when I thank you for all the emails, phone calls and letters. We are truly blessed.

Love,

Renee

HUMBLE YOURSELVES, THEREFORE, UNDER GOD'S MIGHTY HAND, THAT HE MAY LIFT YOU UP IN DUE TIME. CAST ALL YOUR ANXIETY ON HIM BECAUSE HE CARES FOR YOU.

I PETER 5:6-7

Sunday morning, the day set side to serve the Lord with gladness and come before his presence with singing. I am going to church to serve the Lord this morning, but gladness will be hard to come by. There will be two major leaders missing from our midst. We will have no organist; we will have a sermon, but it will not be delivered by my father. He has probably missed less than 10 sermons in 38 years. Dad, I would take back every time I teased you about your sermons being too long and I would sit and listen all day long if I could hear your preach today. You have always been right: I do watch a TV show for an hour, so I should be able to sit through a 45 minute sermon without telling you later that I am going to have to start bringing a sack lunch to church if you don't start shortening your sermon. I would listen without grimacing when you butchered the pronunciation of another celebrity name. You very seldom watched TV or a movie, but you still did your best to bring in examples that people would recognize, people that we could relate to. You have always given 110% to your sermons, studying for hours because you couldn't see well enough to read your texts. Dad, this morning I'm thanking you, and I will miss you not being at the pulpit more than you will ever know. You have been a good and faithful servant for many years, and a man that I am very proud to call my father.

I am praying for strength to get through this morning. Your absence will be palpable, and I know that many tears will be shed. Mom is going to work on convincing you that since you had prayer meeting last night, then today must be Thursday and you should be doing your cleaning together. My Mammaw Powell always used to say that for every stitch you sew on a Sunday, you will rip out with your nose when you get to heaven, her point being that we are not supposed to do any work on Sunday. It is a day of rest. I have a feeling that, just for today, God and Mammaw Powell will let Mom slide.

Another day down....Monday is almost here, and I say that with an equal mixture of relief and fear. At last we can take steps toward diagnosing and treating this mass, and at last we will hear what the prognosis is. Dad is not saying a lot, but he is adamant about his responsibilities at the church and towards the funeral home. This morning, he knew that he had to be at the funeral home by 2:00, because he had paperwork to fill out, and he wasn't sure how much paperwork that would be. An hour later, he asked my mom where they were going today, and she told him that she didn't know. He looked at Caitlin and said, "Jeanette is always making these appointments for me, and then she forgets what they are". We spent a wonderful afternoon together - all the kids and their spouses were there except Gregory. He was busy helping another family cope with a crisis. Clay played a concert for us, and there wasn't a dry eye to be found. Dad's sister Linda and her husband brought barbecue that another of his brothers, Paul, stayed up all night to smoke. He knows how much Dad loves his barbecue! Rich's mom, Betty, came over and watched all the kids play. She and Miles both paid a high price for the afternoon: nasty wasp stings. For the most part, it was a really nice afternoon. I wish Dad could remember it, because I always will.

Dad decided during supper that he and Mom needed to get dressed for Wednesday night prayer meeting. He was insistent that they had to go. We all tried to dissuade him; we even called Garry Lillpop, the head deacon, and had him call Dad. In the end, Dad prevailed. There was no arguing. He would be going. So, Mom and Dad left, Rich followed them (just to keep Dad safe - God bless you, Rich), and Mom had me call Garry. Garry and Diane and Sharon all met Mom, Dad and Rich at the church, and they are in prayer meeting right now. He would not listen to anyone. His responsibilities to the church are engrained in him. For you wonderful friends who showed up at church tonight, I thank you very much.

We are trying to spend as much time with Dad as we can, but I am afraid he will have no knowledge of this time together. The tumor is right in-between where his short term memory and his long term memories are generated, and the short term memory seems almost nonexistent. His demeanor is very quiet, yet we found out tonight that you do not stand between him and his church duties. Dad will prevail and you will lose. I think this is very sweet, and yet so very sad. The church and all the people there have been Dad's focus for over half of his life....38 years. For him not to serve the church would be a great loss for Dad, and I'm sure he will not accept this news easily, even if it is for a brief time. The bottom line is: he loves his Lord and his church, and he will be there to serve God, regardless of his health. If the world were full of men as faithful as my dad, what a wonderful world it would be.

It's the middle of the day, and I have been doing laundry all morning. I just finished emptying out Caitlin's laundry bag from school and found a postcard in the very bottom of it. Caitlin says she didn't put it there, she doesn't know where it came from, she had seen it at some point in time, but not recently. The postcard has no signature, just a Bible verse and a poem. I would like to share it with you.

Consolation

WHEN ANXIETY WAS GREAT WITHIN ME, YOUR CONSOLATION BROUGHT JOY TO MY SOUL. Psalm 94:19

There is never a day so dim

But God can make it bright

And to the soul that seeks Him

He gives songs in the night.

There is never a path so hidden

But God can lead the way

If we seek for the Spirit's guidance

And patiently wait and pray.

There is never a cross so heavy

But Jesus' hands are there

To hold you with gentle compassion

The burden to help you bear.

There is never a heart so broken

But our loving Lord can heal

The heart that was pierced on Calvary

Does for his loved ones feel.

There is never a sin or sorrow

There is never a care or loss

But that we may bring to Jesus

And leave at the foot of the cross.

Thank you God for peace.

Renee

Dad seems to be in better spirits this morning. I never thought I'd be saying "Praise the Lord for confusion", but I am TRULY THANKFUL for its return. Kristie and Rich fixed such a wonderful dinner last night, and Mom's twin brother Jack and his wife Ruthie ate with us. I left Kristie's house around 9:15, and called Dad at around 10:30 to check on him. He said that he was tired, and I asked what he had been doing that night. He said he hadn't done anything, just stayed at home all night. In the span of two hours, his memory of our evening was gone. Mason, Kristie's son, gave him his "build-a-bear" teddy bear last night, and told his pappaw that it was for him to sleep with. Dad took that bear to bed with him last night. Mom told him that it was sure sweet of Mason to give Pappaw his special bear, and Dad said, "Mason loves me".

This morning, Dad told me he must go to the funeral home by 2 to get some paperwork ready. He's not sure how much paperwork there will be. Mom says he is also getting a speech together so he can give out shoes this morning. I will take these random thoughts any day over the dark place he seemed to be in last night. To me, it was a glimpse of what his life would be like if he wasn't delusional. This morning, there are no concerns of surgery or treatments to come, no aneurisms to contend with, just puppet shows and shoes. At least that is the case for Dad. For me, those concerns fill almost every minute of every day. I keep praying for peace.

Dad's morning started out with another funeral to go to - this time it was someone with the last name of Jones. He has had funerals on his mind for the past day and a half. Kristie and I took him to the doctor this morning, just so the doctor could see him in his present state. He came up with some doozies in the doctor's office while we were waiting. Now keep in mind that there is no truth in the next story I am going to tell you - at all. His hands are covered in huge bruises where the needles have been inserted to run the contrast dye for the MRIs that he's had. I commented on his bruises, and he told me that he has recessed veins, and that usually it requires several sticks before they can get his blood. I told him that my veins are small too, and that the last time I gave blood the lady asked me if I was a smoker - she said that my veins were very small like a smoker's would be. I told Dad that - and this is a fact - I had never smoked anything in my entire life. Kristie was sitting in the corner of the room and Dad was next to me at this time. Dad looked at me and said "You smoked a joint at UK". My mouth dropped open and I said, "Where in the world did you hear that?" He looked at Kristie and said, "Kristie told me"! Kristie just burst into laughter, and then Dad started to laugh too. He was really in a good mood this morning. However, he was much more unsteady on his feet, and Kristie and I stayed by his side the whole morning.

This afternoon was not so great. Mom decided that he needed to get out of the house, and she took him to the garden. She turned her head for a moment, and when she looked back, he was on the ground and rolling down the hill. She tried to stop him, but he rolled all the way down to the road. She could not get him up, so she ran to find a neighbor and they got him up together. I know it really frightened them both.

We all had dinner tonight at Kristie's and Dad said very little. His color was very gray, and he was nervous. I asked him if he was okay, and he told me he had been under a lot of stress today. He stared off into the distance for most of the evening, and his eyes had a hollow, far away look. The only thing he really worried about was that we would eat all of the chocolate chip cookies I had made for him. He kept checking the cookie container to see how many were left. Tonight is the first time that I have thought my dad had the outward appearance of being sick. I don't know if things are changing in his head or if it was the fall, but I am really worried about him tonight. If you can, please say an extra prayer for him for peace. Something has changed, and even though the stories have been scary to hear, the sound of his silence is even scarier.

I WILL LIE DOWN AND SLEEP IN PEACE, FOR YOU ALONE, O LORD, MAKE ME DWELL IN SAFETY.

Psalm 4:8

I know I just updated the blog for today, but I just thought I would share with you what the Lord just shared with me. Yesterday was just so hard to get through, and last night I prayed that the Lord would share some scripture to help me through this. I randomly opened up my Bible to Luke 5, and read verses 12-26. This, quite remarkably, was the story of two healings that Jesus had performed: one of a leper and one of the paralytic. As I finished the story of the paralytic, I read that Jesus first said, "FRIEND, YOUR SINS ARE FORGIVEN". He then went on to say, "WHY ARE YOU THINKING THESE THINGS IN YOUR HEARTS? WHICH IS EASIER: TO SAY 'YOUR SINS ARE FORGIVEN' OR TO SAY 'GET UP AND WALK?' BUT THAT YOU MAY KNOW THAT THE SON OF MAN HAS AUTHORITY ON EARTH TO FORGIVE SINS......HE SAID TO THE PARALYZED MAN, 'I TELL YOU, GET UP, TAKE YOUR MAT AND GO HOME.' I thought about this story, and took it that Jesus can, as I already knew, do anything. However, I pulled out my Bible again this morning, prayed for comfort, and opened to the exact same chapter. This time I read the footnotes that went along with the verses. They said, "The leper honored Christ by recognizing His power to heal, and begged Him, "if you are willing" to heal his leprosy. Similarly the Christian should recognize Christ's power to heal, but should always pray, "if you are willing" (1 John 5:14). Even the Lord Jesus prayed, 'Not my will, but yours be done' (Luke 22:42). Paul prayed three times that his 'thorn in the flesh' might be removed, but when God willed not to do so, Paul realized that God had a wise and good purpose in asking him to continue to bear it (2 Corinthians 12:7-9, Romans 8:28)."

God does answer all our prayers. It will be "yes", "no" or "wait". I am waiting.......

Yesterday was a difficult day for me. Most of what Dad says now is a figment of his imagination. He is, to a great extent, in his own world, and doesn't realize the magnitude of his illness. I am thankful for this blessing and shield that God has placed over my dad, but it forces home the harsh reality of his illness to the rest of us who love him. My dad, if he was cognizant right now, would be very anxious and scared. He is a man of great faith, but I think everyone has a fear of the unknown when cancer is involved. God has spared my dad in that respect, and for that I give thanks and glory to Him.

He did not eat supper last night because, as he told Mom, he had already had supper. As we all know, up to this point, Dad never missed a meal or even the opportunity for a snack. Late last night, Mom called Gregory because Dad has gone through such a dramatic change in the past two days regarding his mental state. Gregory said that unless he shows signs of anything else changing: such as being difficult to wake up, nausea or vomiting, severe headaches or vision changes, then there is nothing anyone can do. He is going to call the neurosurgeon who read his MRI on Wednesday to make sure that the tumor hadn't grown. His report Wednesday night said that it hadn't changed at all, but SOMETHING is different.

Kevin spent the night there last night, and Kristie is going over this morning while Mom runs some errands. Gregory is calling Dad's local doctor, Dr. Medley, to get Dad in today. He feels Dad needs to be seen in his current state, because he will need to be monitored here after the neurosurgeons have done their job.

Last night I prayed that the Lord would give me some peace in this situation (six hours of crying in one afternoon is not good for the mind or the body), and all night long, one verse kept coming into my head. Psalms 46:10 says, BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD. God is in control, right now, next week and in every waking second of our day. Whatever the outcome, God will be glorified and Dad's needs will be met in abundance. We serve a merciful God, and His grace is sufficient for all our needs. I think I need some extra grace today, so I have already put in that prayer request. God will provide.

Love,

Renee